St. Patrick’s Day is for drinking Guinness. It’s for wearing green and parading down city streets and eating corned beef and cabbage. It’s also for total amateurs. Though it began as a simple holiday celebrating the brave saint who drove those pesky snakes out of Ireland, St. Paddy’s Day has become a green beer-fueled day-drinking marathon attended by many of the world’s least fun people. If you’re planning on donning your green vest and hitting the town this St. Patrick’s Day, the least you can do is avoid acting like a complete tool. Here’s how to do exactly that.
Don’t Pinch Someone for Not Wearing Green
No one should ever leave their house in fear that a stranger will assault them just because they didn’t include some splash of green. It’s not a universal color. Some of us just don’t look good in it, so lay off and keep your crab claws to yourself.
Don’t Wear Any Article of Clothing That Commands Someone to Do Something Because “You’re Irish”
The fact that your great great aunt on your dad’s side was born in county Cork does not earn you a kiss or anything else. Maybe change your shirt to say “Kiss me I’m an astrophysicist who has saved the earth from destruction by meteor on more than one occasion,” and I’ll think about it.