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How to Not Be a Total Tool on St. Paddy’s Day

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St. Patrick’s Day is for drinking Guinness. It’s for wearing green and parading down city streets and eating corned beef and cabbage. It’s also for total amateurs. Though it began as a simple holiday celebrating the brave saint who drove those pesky snakes out of Ireland, St. Paddy’s Day has become a green beer-fueled day-drinking marathon attended by many of the world’s least fun people. If you’re planning on donning your green vest and hitting the town this St. Patrick’s Day, the least you can do is avoid acting like a complete tool. Here’s how to do exactly that.

Don’t Pinch Someone for Not Wearing Green

No one should ever leave their house in fear that a stranger will assault them just because they didn’t include some splash of green. It’s not a universal color. Some of us just don’t look good in it, so lay off and keep your crab claws to yourself.

Don’t Wear Any Article of Clothing That Commands Someone to Do Something Because “You’re Irish”

The fact that your great great aunt on your dad’s side was born in county Cork does not earn you a kiss or anything else. Maybe change your shirt to say “Kiss me I’m an astrophysicist who has saved the earth from destruction by meteor on more than one occasion,” and I’ll think about it.

Don’t Drink Green Beer

If you really want to pay homage to the Emerald Isle, drink Guinness or Harp or a glass of Irish whiskey like Jameson or Knappogue Castle. There’s nothing special about green beer. It’s just watery beer and food coloring. If you do insist on drinking it, though, then we insist you dye your beer all year round. It’ll be your fun “thing.”

Don’t Sing “Danny Boy” Unless You’re a Real Irish Tenor

It’s not an easy song to sing, so don’t even try unless you know for sure that you have the chops. If your voice isn’t so insanely angellic that it makes people actually cry upon hearing it, then you have no right to sing that song.
Don’t Do Anything Someone Might Refer to as a “Jig”
You’re not the Lord of the Dance, no matter what the whiskey tells you.

Don’t Paint Your Face

This isn’t a football game, and it’s certainly not a 9-year-old’s birthday party; this is an excuse to drink beer at 2 p.m. in a green top hat. It does not warrant transforming your face into the Irish flag or even doodling a cute shamrock on your cheek.

Don’t Dye Your Pet Green

Yes, people actually do this.

Don’t Wear a Kilt Unless That’s Part of Your Usual Style

If you own one or more utili-kilts, then by all means, skirt it up. But if you’re wearing your sister’s old school uniform, you’ve gone too far.

Don’t Try and Do an Irish Accent

If your only dialect coach was the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms commercials, then you can rest assured that you do not have a good Irish accent. At best you sound like Mickey Mouse (just think about it for a second and you’ll realize how right that is).

Don’t Wear One of Those Green Man Suits

It was funny the first year. But after a decade of seeing way too many spandexed crevices and taut, wet mouth stains, we can all agree that the Green Man suit should be retired.

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