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Trump: The Drinking Game

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First off, let me just say what a beautiful, beautiful bunch of readers. I know because I can see you through the screens... kidding! I’m kidding. That stuff all goes to the FBI first. Then I get it. And I watch it. Believe me, I watch every minute of it. 

And I bet some of you looked at the headline up there and thought, “What? Trump’s doing a drinking game?” Well, guess what, folks. Go ahead and drink two shots of Trump Vodka. That’s right, we’ve already started. But it’s all right, it’s all right. That’s what we want, right? To get things done? Now?

Because let me tell you something, folks, this isn’t just any drinking game, this is the most fantastic, most unbelievably terrific drinking game—and I’ve been told this by a lot of people. It's out there. The very best people in drinking games, believe me. And in this game—I hate to break it to you folks—in this game losers and haters get punished. Just like pregnant women and Mexicans and Muslims. Get ‘em outta here!

Sad.

This isn’t just any drinking game, this is the most fantastic, most unbelievably terrific drinking game. And I’ve been told this by a lot of people. It's out there. The very best people in drinking games, believe me.

You might also be wondering, “How am I supposed to do shots of Trump Vodka when it went belly-up in 2011?” Stupid question. Drink! Here’s the thing, folks. Despite what the liberal media tells you, Trump Vodka did not go out of business five years ago. No, Trump Vodka is going strong. Better than ever.

It’s the best vodka in the world, OK? It does so good. Did you know the Trump & Tonic is the most popular drink in Russia right now? It’s true. They call it a T&T, only, you know, in Russian. They can’t get enough of the stuff. They’re terrific. I have a great relationship with the Russians. Like the way I named my daughter Ivanka. It’s Slovenian or Slovenkian or Slo-I-don’t-know, one of those Russian countries.

And I hear Vladimir Putin drinks Trump Vodka every day. He’s got impeccable taste. Really amazing. He gave me a very classy mahogany comb for my birthday. The. Best. And we’re gonna be expanding Trump Vodka to Poland, Yugoslavia—some places in Europe too, I think—and the Ukraine... which Putin did not do, by the way. And he’s not going to. He's not going to do Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He's not going to do it! You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want.

The rules of my drinking game are simple: Do what I say, and everything will be great. Like it used to be in this country before the Kenyan took over. Look folks, I’m gonna give it to you straight. I’ve created so many drinking games over the years. The best in the world, ok? Nobody makes better drinking games than me. I’ve drunk tens of thousands of people under the table. And I don’t even drink! But people write to me all the time to tell me how great my drinking games are. Men, women, children. They all love my drinking games. And the Hispanics and the blacks, too. Look at my African-American over here. Look at him. Are you the greatest?

The rules of my drinking game are simple: Do what I say, and everything will be great.

By the way, folks, and this is just unbelievable, I mean, c’mon, you got these liberal nutjobs in the press going around now saying that I said children love my drinking game. Children? Are you kidding me? Like I would ever say that. That’s disgusting. I never said that. And I would never say it. I would never say it. Look it up! In fact, I’ve always said the exact opposite—that children should not drink. I don't drink. I’m very childlike in that respect. Stay in school, kids. The Chinese are coming for your jobs. Which won’t even be there when you graduate. America is a disaster!

OK, then, enough with the nonsense already. People in this country want action. Leadership. And I’m here to give it to ‘em. Which I’m great at, by the way. So let’s play the Donald Trump Drinking Game.

Wrong! We already started. Drink!

Part One

A judge of Mexican heritage is overseeing a ridiculous lawsuit against Trump University. As you know, I’m sealing the border. I’m building a wall, OK? And let me tell you something. The Mexicans are gonna pay for it. So here’s this judge, and he’s a person of a particular heritage—shall we say, Mexican heritage—and there’s an inherent conflict of interest there. He’s clearly incapable of delivering the verdict I want because, as a Mexican, he’s Mexican. True or false?

If you answered true, congratulations! You’re making America great again. Enroll in Trump University today, drain your savings complete your degree and receive 10 percent off the cost of the diploma, which has a watermark on it that looks just like Cartier and comes framed in genuine imitation mahogany. It’s really, really classy.

If you answered false, chug a margarita made with limes picked by American citizens and Trump Vodka. Trump Vodka makes the greatest margaritas in the world, folks. The best bartenders tell me that all the time. It’s terrific. They come up to me all the time.

Part Two

Some people, who clearly wouldn’t know a joke if it bit ‘em in the seat of their pantsuit, are suggesting that I’ve advocated for the assassination of Crooked Hillary. That’s ridiculous. I never said any such thing. Look it up! I said I love the Second Amendment. And I do! It’s a terrific amendment. Better than the first one, that’s for sure. No but I love all my Second Amendment people out there. You know who you are. And you know what to do.

So the way this part of the game works is you love the Second Amendment as much as I do and you worry that Crooked Hillary and her liberal supporters are gonna take away your guns—which they will, let me tell you—and maybe you track them down and give them a few shots. I’m not saying you should. I’m winking now, by the way. You can’t see it, but I’m winking. Shots.

OK, punishment time. This part didn’t have any drinking in it, so drink a shot of Trump Vodka. It’s the best.

Part Three

OK, this just blows my mind, folks. I mean this is Grade A-level crazy stuff. I’m hearing that some left wing wackos out there are going around saying that Part 2 of this drinking game is a subtle call to violence against my opponent and her supporters. Are you kidding me?! A subtle call to violence, you believe that? First off, I don't do subtle. Show me someone who’s subtle, and I’ll show you a loser, ok? Second, everyone knows that when I said Crooked Hillary and her Second Amendment-abolishing, soft-on-crime supporters ought to be shot, I meant with Trump Vodka. Which tastes great in a Manhattan, by the way. Believe me, I know. I own Manhattan.

Everyone knows that when I said Crooked Hillary and her Second Amendment-abolishing, soft-on-crime supporters ought to be shot, I meant with Trump Vodka. Which tastes great in a Manhattan, by the way. Believe me, I know. I own Manhattan.

It’s sad, you know that? They’re jealous. And why wouldn’t they be? They see me with my plane and my Trump Vodka and my Trump Tower and my Trump This and my Trump That. It’s like I wrote in my international best-seller, The Art of the Deal—great book by the way—but one of the problems when you become successful is—and I hate to say this, folks, I hate to say it—losers. Jealous Mexican losers. Look, if they had any real ability they wouldn’t be trying to stop me. They’d be doing something constructive themselves. It’s right there in the Bible, folks.

Oh and drink. Of course. Come on. Are you not getting the point here?

Part Four

All the drinking is probably catching up to you at this point, so you should get some food in your stomach. And I really don't know what food you're choosing unless it’s a delicious Trump Steak, available exclusively at Sharper Image and QVC. Nothing says great steak like The Sharper Image.

Now you might be thinking, “OK, OK, Donald, come on. Trump Steaks went out of business, too. I saw it on Anderson Cooper.” If you were thinking that, drink two shots of Trump Vodka. Now! See? Best drinking game of all time. It’s simple math, folks.

And by they way, Anderson Cooper is a total moron. Complete bozo. Get him outta here! But not because he’s gay. Let me make that clear. I have a great relationship with the gays. I don’t have a great relationship with the gay marriages. I haven’t even had one gay marriage, and believe me, I’ve had a lot of marriages, folks.

No, I have deeply-held traditional values. And people are liking that. What can I say, I’m a traditionalist! That’s why every day, after I read The Art of the Deal I read the whole Bible. I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman. And then another woman. And then a few more women also. It’s a great country, folks. And I love women. My wife Melania is gonna be a terrific first lady, by the way. She’s like Jackie Kennedy, isn’t she? Right? Only hotter? I know. And I gotta tell you, folks. Jackie Kennedy was pretty hot before she hit 30.

Hey, you know who loves the Trump Drinking Game? Kim Jong-un. Great guy. I mean, he's like a maniac, OK? But you've got to give him credit. How many young guys—he was like 26 or 25 when his father died—take over these tough generals, and all of a sudden... he goes in, he takes over and he's the boss. It's incredible. He wiped out the uncle. He wiped out this one, that one. I mean this guy doesn't play games. Except this one. He loves the Donald Trump Drinking Game. I’ve got a lot of people telling me Kim Jong-un thinks I’m terrific.

Part Five

If you have an infant baby—I love babies by the way—so you’ve got this big beautiful baby and it’s young and beautiful and healthy and that’s what we want, but it’s crying in a really annoying way like Ted Cruz. You just take some Trump Vodka and rub it on his gums like they used to do in the old days. That’ll do the trick, believe me. You can get that baby out of here now, please. I think you really believed me when I said I liked having a crying baby in my drinking game. That’s OK. People don’t understand. That’s OK. Drink now.

You can get that baby out of here now, please. I think you really believed me when I said I liked having a crying baby in my drinking game. That’s OK. People don’t understand. That’s OK. Drink now.

Part Six

People, I gotta tell you. Political correctness is out of control in this country. I’ve been challenged by so many people, and frankly, I don’t have time for political correctness. And I’m just being honest here, folks, this country doesn’t have time, either.

So now the liberal media is going crazy saying I told people to give vodka to babies. These people are out of their minds. I never said that. Look it up! Why would I say give vodka to babies when I don’t even drink vodka myself, OK? I’m just like a baby. Nobody rubs vodka on my gums either. Bing bing, bong bong bong, bing bing. You know what that is, right? If so, drink. If not, drink.

Jonathan Mann/YouTube

Part Seven

On a scale of one to five, how much does this photo creep you out?

@Ziwe/Twitter

Drink an equivalent number of Mind Erasers made with Trump Vodka.

Part Eight

What can I say, folks? I’m a joker. I love to make jokes. Everyone knows that. I’m always cracking people up. Hey, did you hear the one about the Kenyan president with the Muslim name and his crooked sidekick who founded ISIS? They called it… Obama Nation. Get it? I made that up. Not bad, right? That’s right.

OK, are we done here? I think we’re done here. Oh yeah, take another drink. Fun. We're having fun, right?

Dan Dunn is voting for Harvey Wallbanger. Check out Dan’s latest book, American Wino: A Tale of Reds, Whites and One Man’s Blues. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.

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